Sometimes I hate you
by hannahncakes
Summary: "I always knew it would be hard but I never knew it would be this hard." - How do you cope with loving someone so much when they don't even trust you? River's thoughts set s6 ep 01/02. One-shot.


Sometimes I Hate You

**Disclaimer: **I don't own either River Song or Doctor Who or anything related to them. Boo!

_Author's Note: Okay, so I got really mad at the way the Doctor treated River in The Impossible Astronaut and this happened… _

"**Trust you. Sure. But first of all, Doctor Song, just one thing… Who are you? You're someone from my future—getting that—but who?**__** Okay. Why are you in prison? Who did you kill? Hmm?**__**Now I love a bad girl, me. But trust you? Seriously?" **– The Doctor.

I always knew it would be hard but I never knew it would be this hard. You always told me you were hard work young, always apologised profusely for the way you treated me in those early days and I forgave you. Fool that I am I always forgave you for the things you hadn't done because the man I knew, my Doctor, he loved me so unconditionally I could never imagine him saying anything that would hurt me so deeply. It isn't even the words, not really, it's that look in your eyes as if I'm someone you wouldn't trust to watch your bloody goldfish let alone trust with your life. Well, with that look, you might as well stab me straight through the heart and be done with it.

I want to scream at you. Tell you all the things I've done for you, all the pain I've endured in your name but of course I can't. So I close my eyes and try to fight back the tears that threaten to spill out. You don't know, of course. You have no idea who I am and what we've done. This knowledge should sooth me, appease my pain, but strangely it doesn't. Do you have any idea how hard it is to love someone so unconditionally, trust them so completely and be shunned by them like you're a complete stranger? No, of course you don't. One day you will though. That doesn't make me feel any better either. Knowing that I ever caused you this kind of pain makes me feel so much worse, if that's possible. Because as much as this kills me I'd do it twice over if it meant you'd avoid feeling it even for a second.

Because I love you. You know that, even this you who knows so little about me and my life knows that I love you to the end of the universe and back again. You tell me repeatedly that I don't hate you when I spit those words at you in jest. Even now you're so over-confident in my love for you. You don't realise, though, that there's a grain of truth behind those accusations. Trust you? Always. Love you? Forever. But hate you? Sometimes.

When you shout at me for things that aren't my fault, when you mock my feelings for you, when you announce to everyone your lack of faith in me, when you flirt with me knowing just how much more it means to me than you… Then, yeah, I hate you for a second. I hate the fact you're going to experience all the wonders of our life together still whilst I'm only destined to see the mistrust, the anger and resentment grow in your eyes with every new meeting. I hate that this you is the last you I will ever know and it's not the one I can curl up next to and say goodbye to. And I hate the fact I can never tell you. Never let you see the tears that fall so hot and fast every time you leave me that little bit more alone than I was before.

I hate you because I love. It makes no sense, I know. But each time I see you it breaks my heart in new ways that I didn't even know were possible. I know that soon you'll love me too but for me those days are gone and all I can see in my dark future is the day when you don't even mistrust me, you don't doubt me, you just are completely unaware of who I am. On that day I won't hate you, I won't cry, I won't shake and scream for your recognition I'll just be numb inside. Whatever remnants of my heart are left from this repeated breaking will freeze in my chest when I see that look on your beautiful face.

You always told me it would be hard, always warned me and offered me a way out but I never took it. How could I really? Did you ever think it was a valid option to just walk away? No one walks away from you, not in tact anyway. I never could leave. Never will leave. I wouldn't trade it in. Even now, even after all you've done to me and how you've treated me, I wouldn't undo one second of this life we've created. I always knew this was my fate. I always knew it would end in you breaking my heart, even though you never meant to. I always knew I'd love you to death.

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